Greetings Azeroth!
This is Strongbad, veteran of the First and Second Wars and coming to you straight from Orgrimmar to give you the direct message from Thrall's lips to your ears on the current effort to undermine Jaina Proudmore, Ruler of Theramore and current Fleet Admiral for the King of Stormwind's current hold over the seas.
THE SEAS WILL NEVER BE JUST FOR THE ALLIANCE! THE OCEANS BELONGS TO ALL THE CREATURES OF AZEROTH!
So there I was, drunk as a fucking skunk again in the Salty Sailor Tavern when I get the message from my buddy Crazysue that Thrall has just ordered us on a scouting mission further in to the Wetlands of the Eastern Kingoms.
Here we fucking go again, another trip in to the butt hole of the Eastern Kingdoms, the Wetlands, haven't found anything so far, I don't know why Thrall thought this time was going to be any fucking different. But I digress. Told the barkeep to put it on Thrall's tab as I stumbled out the door of the tavern, yelling at my goblin sailing crew "ALL HANDS ON DECK"! The goblins scurry out the door as if I just turned in to The Lich King himself before them.
As, I approach my ship, fucking third-rate pirate and long known bitch ass mark "Captain" Hecklebury Smotts, even though his ships have been sunk in the Vile Reef for years, catches my eye on the docks. Needless to say, I never have words for this guy every time I see him, only fists, which you can tell by the image below.
This was caught by a security camera apparently two seconds before I gave him a Buddha's Palm right off the fucking docks and in to the sea for the trash fish to eat. If you ever see this douche, tell him Strongbad NEVER FORGETS!
Anyways, once onboard my ship, we set out on the Grand Line yet again. I make land fall with my crew on the northern tip of the brown eye that is the Wetlands to see my buddy Crazysue waiting for me at the beach. I disembark with my mount and gear in tow and tell the goblins to leave the ship anchored off shore just beyond the horizon line. Crazysue and I then begin to scout the Wetlands, ya know......Thrall's orders, yada yada yada.
Much to my total bewilderment, we do find something! A dwarf led settlement just on the south western tip of the coast. How we missed it up to this point, I have not a clue, but needless to say. We had to do some more reconnaissance.
After taking out the first wave of puny alliance guards. Seriously, do ya'll even lift Ally? We come acrosse their stables where they are apparently training to ride horses. Why they aren't simply just eating them and rezzing them with their Warlocks to serve their purposes afterwards totally dumbfounded me. What a huge fucking waste of resources, no wonder the Alliance can't get anything done right. Killing the Stable Master and his little errand boy was easier than picking up the horde of female undead groupies in the Undercity bar the other night. You know Strong likes em in piles! BONE ORGY FTW!
Woops, sorry, getting a little personal there. The first thing we came upon were your puny stables, easy to claim. As proven by the all images that were taken from the security cam footage I acquired, your bases are always so easily taken. Learn to play already Alliance.
After taking the stables, we thought we would pay a visit to your local brothel and see what information we could find about who runs this dump of a town. After scaring, fucking, and/or killing everything in the brothel, again, proven by the security cam image below. We got word we might find more information from the town Blacksmith.
I will tell you one thing, Alliance does everything pretty terribly but their dwarves make the best damn grog Azeroth has ever seen. NO MATTER THE DWARF! THEY CAN ALL DO IT! ITS CRAZY SHIT! After regaining my usually heavily sustained inebriated state. We stumbled around town in a stupor until we realized your Blacksmith and Forge were right next door.
Needless to say, after beating the information out of him, your Blacksmith was more than happy to tell us where all the boats at the dock were going. Maybe less time spent installing cameras to spy on each other and more time defending your shit and this wouldn't have happened. Thought I would post this little juicy image I pulled from more of the security cam footage I consolidated and destroyed in an awesome fire. FOR THE HORDE AND FOR PERSONAL FREEDOM!
What a bore this place was, we didn't even bother finding out who was in the big building. I guess you guys call them Keeps? Not much to keep from people that we found. All of it was either really crappy or easily burned and destroyed. We literally just left back out the way we came, still drunk as hell and at this point super high. I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO ADMIT IT! Yeah, we found some good ass Night Elf herb in one of the whore's bags back at the brothel. And I think anyone who's Horde, knows me. When it comes to the herb, I would never discriminate. But again, I am digressing.
After reaching our ship and setting sail. We took the information we had beaten out of the Blacksmith and took a direct beeline back to the eastern coast of Kalimdor.
Apparently, Jaina had been rebuilding some huge base in Dustwallow Marsh, another fucking butthole of Azeroth, called Theramore. She and the King of Ironforge have been keeping it secret fromeven the King of Stormwind. She had amassed so much power at this base that they called her "Ruler" there. Seems fishy to me and Thrall is very upset about trusting Jaina to only have her amass a huge force right on the Horde's doorstep.
KNOW THIS NOW ALLIANCE SCUM WHO WOULD SUPPORT JAINA PROUDMORE AND HER TYRANNY OVER THE SEAS!
YOUR DAY HAS COME! THE TERMS HAVE BEEN SET! SURRENDER YOUR FLEETS IN MENETHIL HARBOR AND THERAMORE ISLE OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WARCHIEF AND RIGHTFUL RULER OF ALL OF KALIMDOR, THE MIGHTY THRALL!
FOR ALL OF US AT HIS COMMAND WILL NEVER REST TIL WE SEE ALL THAT WOULD THREATEN THE PEACE AND SECURITY OF THE HORDE, DRIVEN FROM KALIMDOR'S SHORES AND THE SEAS FREE AND OPEN FOR ALL RACES TO TRADE AND SAIL UPON!
THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING! NO QUARTER WILL BE GIVEN!
If you need proof that we are serious, you can reference the image below whenever you forget. This was yet again taken from one of your security cameras keeping you "so safe". As you can tell it was no problem getting in to her base of operations undetected and making our demands. It was really strange though, even when we told her we would expose her to the King of Stormwind unless she paid us gold, she still wouldn't relent. She was almost crazed at building this base with the King of Ironforge's help.
And obviously, don't bother looking for the footage on how we got in, that was obviously destroyed just like the footage back at Menethil Harbor. Seriously, train and feed your guards better, half the time we sneak up on them and they are sleeping. Apparently, Tyrande also thought it would be good enough to just give them each an Elder's Moonstone. Every single one we slit the throat of on the way in had one it seemed. Those aren't going to do shit when I am more than willing to just beat their faces in with my Fishing Pole I got from Nat Pagle back in the Vale. What does Alliance eat that makes you so weak and tired all the time anyways?
If you take nothing else from this tale, at least remember this Jaina sympathizers, collaboraters, and supporters. Your time has come!
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Farewell,
Strongbad
High Fleet Admiral of the Horde Warchief Thrall's New Navy
This is Strongbad, veteran of the First and Second Wars and coming to you straight from Orgrimmar to give you the direct message from Thrall's lips to your ears on the current effort to undermine Jaina Proudmore, Ruler of Theramore and current Fleet Admiral for the King of Stormwind's current hold over the seas.
THE SEAS WILL NEVER BE JUST FOR THE ALLIANCE! THE OCEANS BELONGS TO ALL THE CREATURES OF AZEROTH!
So there I was, drunk as a fucking skunk again in the Salty Sailor Tavern when I get the message from my buddy Crazysue that Thrall has just ordered us on a scouting mission further in to the Wetlands of the Eastern Kingoms.
Here we fucking go again, another trip in to the butt hole of the Eastern Kingdoms, the Wetlands, haven't found anything so far, I don't know why Thrall thought this time was going to be any fucking different. But I digress. Told the barkeep to put it on Thrall's tab as I stumbled out the door of the tavern, yelling at my goblin sailing crew "ALL HANDS ON DECK"! The goblins scurry out the door as if I just turned in to The Lich King himself before them.
As, I approach my ship, fucking third-rate pirate and long known bitch ass mark "Captain" Hecklebury Smotts, even though his ships have been sunk in the Vile Reef for years, catches my eye on the docks. Needless to say, I never have words for this guy every time I see him, only fists, which you can tell by the image below.
This was caught by a security camera apparently two seconds before I gave him a Buddha's Palm right off the fucking docks and in to the sea for the trash fish to eat. If you ever see this douche, tell him Strongbad NEVER FORGETS!
Anyways, once onboard my ship, we set out on the Grand Line yet again. I make land fall with my crew on the northern tip of the brown eye that is the Wetlands to see my buddy Crazysue waiting for me at the beach. I disembark with my mount and gear in tow and tell the goblins to leave the ship anchored off shore just beyond the horizon line. Crazysue and I then begin to scout the Wetlands, ya know......Thrall's orders, yada yada yada.
Much to my total bewilderment, we do find something! A dwarf led settlement just on the south western tip of the coast. How we missed it up to this point, I have not a clue, but needless to say. We had to do some more reconnaissance.
After taking out the first wave of puny alliance guards. Seriously, do ya'll even lift Ally? We come acrosse their stables where they are apparently training to ride horses. Why they aren't simply just eating them and rezzing them with their Warlocks to serve their purposes afterwards totally dumbfounded me. What a huge fucking waste of resources, no wonder the Alliance can't get anything done right. Killing the Stable Master and his little errand boy was easier than picking up the horde of female undead groupies in the Undercity bar the other night. You know Strong likes em in piles! BONE ORGY FTW!
Woops, sorry, getting a little personal there. The first thing we came upon were your puny stables, easy to claim. As proven by the all images that were taken from the security cam footage I acquired, your bases are always so easily taken. Learn to play already Alliance.
After taking the stables, we thought we would pay a visit to your local brothel and see what information we could find about who runs this dump of a town. After scaring, fucking, and/or killing everything in the brothel, again, proven by the security cam image below. We got word we might find more information from the town Blacksmith.
I will tell you one thing, Alliance does everything pretty terribly but their dwarves make the best damn grog Azeroth has ever seen. NO MATTER THE DWARF! THEY CAN ALL DO IT! ITS CRAZY SHIT! After regaining my usually heavily sustained inebriated state. We stumbled around town in a stupor until we realized your Blacksmith and Forge were right next door.
Needless to say, after beating the information out of him, your Blacksmith was more than happy to tell us where all the boats at the dock were going. Maybe less time spent installing cameras to spy on each other and more time defending your shit and this wouldn't have happened. Thought I would post this little juicy image I pulled from more of the security cam footage I consolidated and destroyed in an awesome fire. FOR THE HORDE AND FOR PERSONAL FREEDOM!
What a bore this place was, we didn't even bother finding out who was in the big building. I guess you guys call them Keeps? Not much to keep from people that we found. All of it was either really crappy or easily burned and destroyed. We literally just left back out the way we came, still drunk as hell and at this point super high. I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO ADMIT IT! Yeah, we found some good ass Night Elf herb in one of the whore's bags back at the brothel. And I think anyone who's Horde, knows me. When it comes to the herb, I would never discriminate. But again, I am digressing.
After reaching our ship and setting sail. We took the information we had beaten out of the Blacksmith and took a direct beeline back to the eastern coast of Kalimdor.
Apparently, Jaina had been rebuilding some huge base in Dustwallow Marsh, another fucking butthole of Azeroth, called Theramore. She and the King of Ironforge have been keeping it secret fromeven the King of Stormwind. She had amassed so much power at this base that they called her "Ruler" there. Seems fishy to me and Thrall is very upset about trusting Jaina to only have her amass a huge force right on the Horde's doorstep.
KNOW THIS NOW ALLIANCE SCUM WHO WOULD SUPPORT JAINA PROUDMORE AND HER TYRANNY OVER THE SEAS!
YOUR DAY HAS COME! THE TERMS HAVE BEEN SET! SURRENDER YOUR FLEETS IN MENETHIL HARBOR AND THERAMORE ISLE OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WARCHIEF AND RIGHTFUL RULER OF ALL OF KALIMDOR, THE MIGHTY THRALL!
FOR ALL OF US AT HIS COMMAND WILL NEVER REST TIL WE SEE ALL THAT WOULD THREATEN THE PEACE AND SECURITY OF THE HORDE, DRIVEN FROM KALIMDOR'S SHORES AND THE SEAS FREE AND OPEN FOR ALL RACES TO TRADE AND SAIL UPON!
THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING! NO QUARTER WILL BE GIVEN!
If you need proof that we are serious, you can reference the image below whenever you forget. This was yet again taken from one of your security cameras keeping you "so safe". As you can tell it was no problem getting in to her base of operations undetected and making our demands. It was really strange though, even when we told her we would expose her to the King of Stormwind unless she paid us gold, she still wouldn't relent. She was almost crazed at building this base with the King of Ironforge's help.
And obviously, don't bother looking for the footage on how we got in, that was obviously destroyed just like the footage back at Menethil Harbor. Seriously, train and feed your guards better, half the time we sneak up on them and they are sleeping. Apparently, Tyrande also thought it would be good enough to just give them each an Elder's Moonstone. Every single one we slit the throat of on the way in had one it seemed. Those aren't going to do shit when I am more than willing to just beat their faces in with my Fishing Pole I got from Nat Pagle back in the Vale. What does Alliance eat that makes you so weak and tired all the time anyways?
If you take nothing else from this tale, at least remember this Jaina sympathizers, collaboraters, and supporters. Your time has come!
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Farewell,
Strongbad
High Fleet Admiral of the Horde Warchief Thrall's New Navy
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